Plays Pleasant Read online

  CATHERINE [catching him by the sleeve] Oh, you must not think of going back that way. [Coaxing him across to the stable gates] This is the shortest way out. Many thanks. So glad to have been of service to you. Good-bye.

  BLUNTSCHLI. But my bag ?

  CATHERINE. It shall be sent on. You will leave me your address.

  BLUNTSCHLI. True. Allow me. [He takes out his card-case, and stops to write his address, keeping Catherine in an agony of impatience. As he hands her the card, Petkoff, hatless, rushes from the house in a fluster of hospitality, followed by Sergius].

  PETKOFF [as he hurries down the steps] My dear Captain Bluntschli –

  CATHERINE. Oh Heavens! [She sinks on the seat against the wall].

  PETKOFF [too preoccupied to notice her as he shakes Bluntschli’s hand heartily] Those stupid people of mine thought I was out here, instead of in the – haw! – library [he cannot mention the library without betraying how proud he is of it]. I saw you through the window. I was wondering why you didnt come in. Saranoff is with me: you remember him, dont you ?

  SERGIUS [saluting humorously, and then offering his hand with great charm of manner] Welcome, our friend the enemy!

  PETKOFF. No longer the enemy, happily. [Rather anxiously] I hope youve called as a friend, and not about horses or prisoners.

  CATHERINE. Oh, quite as a friend, Paul. I was just asking Captain Bluntschli to stay to lunch; but he declares he must go at once.

  SERGIUS [sardonically] Impossible, Bluntschli. We want you here badly. We have to send on three cavalry regiments to Philippopolis; and we dont in the least know how to do it.

  BLUNTSCHLI [suddenly attentive and businesslike] Philippopolis ? The forage is the trouble, I suppose.

  PETKOFF [eagerly] Yes: thats it. [To Sergius] He sees the whole thing at once.

  BLUNTSCHLI. I think I can shew you how to manage that.

  SERGIUS. Invaluable man! Come along! [Towering over Bluntschli, he puts his hand on his shoulder and takes him to the steps, Petkoff following].

  Raina comes from the house as Bluntschli puts his foot on the first step.

  RAINA. Oh! The chocolate cream soldier!

  Bluntschli stands rigid. Sergius, amazed, looks at Raina, then at Petkoff, who looks back at him and then at his wife.

  CATHERINE [with commanding presence of mind] My dear Raina, dont you see that we have a guest here ? Captain Bluntschli: one of our new Serbian friends.

  Raina bows: Bluntschli bows.

  RAINA. How silly of me! [She comes down into the centre of the group, between Bluntschli and Petkoff]. I made a beautiful ornament this morning for the ice pudding; and that stupid Nicola has just put down a pile of plates on it and spoilt it. [To Bluntschli, winningly] I hope you didnt think that you were the chocolate cream soldier, Captain Bluntschli.

  BLUNTSCHLI [laughing] I assure you I did. [Stealing a whimsical glance at her] Your explanation was a relief.

  PETKOFF [suspiciously, to Raina] And since when, pray, have you taken to cooking ?

  CATHERINE. Oh, whilst you were away. It is her latest fancy.

  PETKOFF [testily] And has Nicola taken to drinking ? He used to be careful enough. First he shews Captain Bluntschli out here when he knew quite well I was in the library; and then he goes downstairs and breaks Raina’s chocolate soldier. He must – [Nicola appears at the top of the steps with the bag. He descends; places it respectfully before Bluntschli; and waits for further orders. General amazement. Nicola, unconscious of the effect he is producing, looks perfectly satisfied with himself When Petkoff recovers his power of speech, he breaks out at him with] Are you mad, Nicola ?

  NICOLA [taken aback] Sir ?

  PETKOFF. What have you brought that for ?

  NICOLA. My lady’s orders, major. Louka told me that –

  CATHERINE [interrupting him] My orders! Why should I order you to bring Captain Bluntschli’s luggage out here ? What are you thinking of, Nicola ?

  NICOLA [after a moment’s bewilderment, picking up the bag as he addresses Bluntschli with the very perfection of servile discretion] I beg your pardon, captain, I am sure. [To Catherine] My fault, madam: I hope youll overlook it. [He bows, and is going to the steps with the bag, when Petkoff addresses him angrily].

  PETKOFF. Youd better go and slam that bag, too, down on Miss Raina’s ice pudding! [This is too much for Nicola. The bag drops from his hand almost on his master’s toes, eliciting a roar of] Begone, you butter-fingered donkey.

  NICOLA [snatching up the bag, and escaping into the house] Yes, major.

  CATHERINE. Oh, never mind. Paul: dont be angry.

  PETKOFF [blustering] Scoundrel! He’s got out of hand while I was away. I’ll teach him. Infernal blackguard! The sack next Saturday! I’ll clear out the whole establishment – [He is stifled by the caresses of his wife and daughter, who hang round his neck, petting him].

  CATHERINE RAINA}[together]{NOW, now, now, it mustnt be angry. Wow, wow, wow: not on your first

  {He meant no harm. Be good to please me,

  dear. Sh-sh-sh-sh!

  {day at home. I’ll make another ice pudding.

  Tch-ch-ch!

  PETKOFF [yielding] Oh well, never mind. Come, Bluntschli: lets have no more nonsense about going away. You know very well youre not going back to Switzerland yet. Until you do go back youll stay with us.

  RAINA. Oh, do, Captain Bluntschli.

  PETKOFF [to Catherine] Now, Catherine: it’s of you he’s afraid. Press him: and he’ll stay.

  CATHERINE. Of course I shall be only too delighted if [appealingly] Captain Bluntschli really wishes to stay. He Knows my wishes.

  BLUNTSCHLI [in his driest military manner] I am at madam’s orders.

  SERGIUS [cordially] That settles it!

  PETKOFF [heartily] Of course!

  RAINA. You see you must stay.

  BLUNTSCHLI [smiling] Well, if I must, I must. Gesture of despair from Catherine.

  ACT III

  In the library after lunch. It is not much of a library. Its literary equipment consists of a single fixed shelf stocked with old paper covered novels, broken backed, coffee stained, torn and thumbed; and a couple of little hanging shelves with a few gift books on them: the rest of the wall space being occupied by trophies of war and the chase. But it is a most comfortable sitting room. A row of three large windows shews a mountain panorama, just now seen in one of its friendliest aspects in the mellowing afternoon light. In the corner next the right hand window a square earthenware stove, a perfect tower of glistening pottery, rises nearly to the ceiling and guarantees plenty of warmth. The ottoman is like that in Raina’s room, and similarly placed; and the window seats are luxurious with decorated cushions. There is one object, however, hopelessly out of keeping with its surroundings. This is a small kitchen table, much the worse for wear, fitted as a writing table with an old canister full of pens, an eggcup filled with ink, and a deplorable scrap of heavily used pink blotting paper.

  At the side of this table, which stands to the left of anyone facing the window, Bluntschli is hard at work with a couple of maps before him, writing orders. At the head of it sits Sergius, who is supposed to be also at work, but is actually gnawing the feather of a pen, and contemplating Bluntschli’s quick, sure, businesslike progress with a mixture of envious irritation at his own incapacity and awestruck wonder at an ability which seems to him almost miraculous, though its prosaic character forbids him to esteem it. The Major is comfortably established on the ottoman, with a newspaper in his hand and the tube of his hookah within easy reach. Catherine sits at the stove, with her back to them, embroidering. Raina, reclining on the divan, is gazing in a daydream out at the Balkan landscape, with a neglected novel in her lap.

  The door is on the same side as the stove, farther from the window. The button of the electric bell is at the opposite side, behind Bluntschli.

  PETKOFF [looking up from his paper to watch how they are getting on at the table] Are you sure I cant help in any way, Bluntschli ?
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br />   BLUNTSCHLI [without interrupting his writing or looking up] Quite sure, thank you. Saranoff and I will manage it.

  SERGIUS [grimly] Yes: we’ll manage it. He finds out what to do; draws up the orders; and I sign em. Division of labor! [Bluntschli passes him a paper]. Another one ? Thank you. [He plants the paper squarely before him; sets his chair carefully parallel to it; and signs with his cheek on his elbow and his protruded tongue following the movements of his pen]. This hand is more accustomed to the sword than to the pen.

  PETKOFF. It’s very good of you, Bluntschli: it is indeed, to let yourself be put upon in this way. Now are you quite sure I can do nothing ?

  CATHERINE [in a low warning tone] You can stop interrupting, Paul.

  PETKOFF [starting and looking round at her] Eh ? Oh! Quite right, my love: quite right. [He takes his newspaper up again, but presently lets it drop]. Ah, you havnt been campaigning, Catherine: you dont know how pleasant it is for us to sit here, after a good lunch, with nothing to do but enjoy ourselves. Theres only one thing I want to make me thoroughly comfortable.

  CATHERINE. What is that ?

  PETKOFF. My old coat. I’m not at home in this one: I feel as if I were on parade.

  CATHERINE. My dear Paul, how absurd you are about that old coat! It must be hanging in the blue closet where you left it.

  PETKOFF. My dear Catherine, I tell you Ive looked there. Am I to believe my own eyes or not ? [Catherine rises and crosses the room to press the button of the electric bell]. What are you shewing off that bell for ? [She looks at him majestically, and silently resumes her chair and her needlework]. My dear: if you think the obstinacy of your sex can make a coat out of two old dressing gowns of Raina’s, your waterproof, and my mackintosh, youre mistaken. Thats exactly what the blue closet contains at present.

  Nicola presents himself.

  CATHERINE. Nicola: go to the blue closet and bring your master’s old coat here: the braided one he wears in the house.

  NICOLA. Yes, madam. [He goes out].

  PETKOFF. Catherine.

  CATHERINE. Yes, Paul.

  PETKOFF. I bet you any piece of jewellery you like to order from Sofia against a week’s housekeeping money that the coat isnt there.

  CATHERINE. Done, Paul!

  PETKOFF [excited by the prospect of a gamble] Come: heres an opportunity for some sport. Wholl bet on it ? Bluntschli: I’ll give you six to one.

  BLUNTSCHLI [imperturbably] It would be robbing you, major. Madam is sure to be right. [Without looking up, he passes another bunch of papers to Sergius].

  SERGIUS [also excited] Bravo, Switzerland! Major: I bet my best charger against an Arab mare for Raina that Nicola finds the coat in the blue closet.

  PETKOFF [eagerly] Your best char –

  CATHERINE [hastily interrupting him] Dont be foolish, Paul. An Arabian mare will cost you 50,000 levas.

  RAINA [suddenly coming out of her picturesque revery] Really, mother, if you are going to take the jewellery, I dont see why you should grudge me my Arab.

  Nicola comes back with the coat, and brings it to Petkoff, whocan hardly believe his eyes.

  CATHERINE. Where was it, Nicola ?

  NICOLA. Hanging in the blue closet, madame.

  PETKOFF. Well, I am d –

  CATHERINE [stopping him] Paul!

  PETKOFF. I could have sworn it wasnt there. Age is beginning to tell on me. I’m getting hallucinations. [To Nicola] Here: help me to change. Excuse me, Bluntschli. [He begins changing coats, Nicola acting as valet]. Remember: I didnt take that bet of yours, Sergius. Youd better give Raina that Arab steed yourself, since youve roused her expectations. Eh, Raina ? [He looks round at her; but she is again rapt in the landscape. With a little gush of parental affection and pride, he points her out to them, and says’] She’s dreaming, as usual.

  SERGIUS. Assuredly she shall not be the loser.

  PETKOFF. So much the better for her. I shant come off so cheaply, I expect. [The change is now complete. Nicola goes out with the discarded coat]. Ah, now I feel at home at last. [He sits down and takes his newspaper with a grunt of relief].

  BLUNTSCHLI [to Sergius, handing a paper] Thats the last order.

  PETKOFF [jumping up] What! Finished ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. Finished.

  PETKOFF [with childlike envy] Havnt you anything for me to sign ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. Not necessary. His signature will do.

  PETKOFF [inflating his chest and thumping it] Ah well, I think weve done a thundering good day’s work. Can I do anything more ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. You had better both see the fellows that are to take these. [Sergius rises] Pack them off at once; and shew them that Ive marked on the orders the time they should hand them in by. Tell them that if they stop to drink or tell stories – if theyre five minutes late, theyll have the skin taken off their backs.

  SERGIUS [stiffening indignantly] I’ll say so. [He strides to the door]. And if one of them is man enough to spit in my face for insulting him, I’ll buy his discharge and give him a pension. [He goes out].

  BLUNTSCHLI [confidentially] Just see that he talks to them properly, major, will you ?

  PETKOFF [officiously] Quite right, Bluntschi, quite right. I’ll see to it. [He goes to the door importantly, but hesitates on the threshold]. By the bye, Catherine, you may as well come too. Theyll be far more frightened of you than of me.

  CATHERINE [putting down her embroidery] I daresay I had better. You would only splutter at them. [She goes out, Petkoff holding the door for her and following her].

  BLUNTSCHLI. What an army! They make cannons out of cherry trees; and the officers send for their wives to keep discipline! [He begins to fold and docket the papers].

  Raina, who has risen from the divan, marches slowly down the room with her hands clasped behind her, and looks mischievously at him.

  RAINA. You look ever so much nicer than when we last met. [He looks up, surprised]. What have you done to yourself ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. Washed; brushed; good night’s sleep and breakfast. That’s all.

  RAINA. Did you get back safely that morning ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. Quite, thanks.

  RAINA. Were they angry with you for running away from Sergius’s charge ?

  BLUNTSCHLI [grinning] No: they were glad; because theyd all just run away themselves.

  RAINA [going to the table, and leaning over it towards him] It must have made a lovely story for them: all that about me and my room.

  BLUNTSCHLI. Capital story. But I only told it to one of them: a particular friend.

  RAINA. On whose discretion you could absolutely rely ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. Absolutely.

  RAINA. Hm! He told it all to my father and Sergius the day you exchanged the prisoners. [She turns away and strolls carelessly across to the other side of the room].

  BLUNTSCHLI [deeply concerned, and half incredulous] No! You dont mean that, do you ?

  RAINA [turning, with sudden earnestness] I do indeed. But they dont know that it was in this house you took refuge. If Sergius knew, he would challenge you and kill you in a duel.

  BLUNTSCHLI. Bless me! then dont tell him.

  RAINA. Please be serious, Captain Bluntschli. Can you not realize what it is to me to deceive him ? I want to be quite perfect with Sergius: no meanness, no smallness, no deceit. My relation to him is the one really beautiful and noble part of my life. I hope you can understand that.

  BLUNTSCHLI [sceptically] You mean that you wouldnt like him to find out that the story about the ice pudding was a – a – a – You know.

  RAINA [wincing] Ah, dont talk of it in that flippant way. I lied: I know it. But I did it to save your life. He would have killed you. That was the second time I ever uttered a falsehood. [Bluntschli rises quickly and looks doubtfully and somewhat severely at her]. Do you remember the first time ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. I! No. Was I present ?

  RAINA. Yes; and I told the officer who was searching for you that you were not present.

  BLUNTSCHLI
. True. I should have remembered it.

  RAINA [greatly encouraged] Ah, it is natural that you should forget it first. It cost you nothing: it cost me a lie! A lie!

  She sits down on the ottoman, looking straight before her with her hands clasped round her knee. Bluntschli, quite touched, goes to the ottoman with a particularly reassuring and considerate air, and sits down beside her.

  BLUNTSCHLI. My dear young lady, dont let this worry you. Remember: I’m a soldier. Now what are the two things that happen to a soldier so often that he comes to think nothing of them ? One is hearing people tell lies [Raina recoils] : the other is getting his life saved in ail sorts of ways by all sorts of people.

  RAINA [rising in indignant protest] And so he becomes a creature incapable of faith and of gratitude.

  BLUNTSCHLI [making a wry face] Do you like gratitude ? I dont. If pity is akin to love, gratitude is akin to the other thing.

  RAINA. Gratitude! [Turning on him] If you are incapable of gratitude you are incapable of any noble sentiment. Even animals are grateful. Oh, I see now exactly what you think of me! You were not surprised to hear me lie. To you it was something I probably did every day! every hour! That is how men think of women. [She paces the room tragically].

  BLUNTSCHLI [dubiously] Theres reason in everything. You said youd told only two lies in your whole life. Dear young lady: isnt that rather a short allowance ? I’m quite a straightforward man myself; but it wouldnt last me a whole morning.

  RAINA [staring haughtily at him] Do you know, sir, that you are insulting me ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. I cant help it. When you strike that noble attitude and speak in that thrilling voice, I admire you; but I find it impossible to believe a single word you say.

  RAINA [superbly] Captain Bluntschli!

  BLUNTSCHLI [unmoved] Yes ?

  RAINA [standing over him, as if she could not believe her senses] Do you mean what you said just now ? Do you know what you said just now ?

  BLUNTSCHLI. I do.

  RAINA [gasping] I! I!!! [She points to herself incredulously, meaning ‘I, Raina Petkoff tell lies!’ He meets her gaze unflinchingly. She suddenly sits down beside him, and adds, with a complete change of manner from the heroic to a babyish familiarity] How did you find me out ?