Plays Pleasant Read online

  THE MAN. A narrow shave; but a miss is as good as a mile. Dear young lady: your servant to the death. I wish for your sake I had joined the Bulgarian army instead of the other one. I am not a native Serb.

  RAINA [haughtily] No: you are one of the Austrians who set the Serbs on to rob us of our national liberty, and who officer their army for them. We hate them!

  THE MAN. Austrian! not I. Dont hate me, dear young lady. I am a Swiss, fighting merely as a professional soldier. I joined the Serbs because they came first on the road from Switzerland. Be generous: youve beaten us hollow.

  RAINA. Have I not been generous ?

  THE MAN. Noble! Heroic! But I’m not saved yet. This particular rush will soon pass through; but the pursuit will go on all night by fits and starts. I must take my chance to get off in a quiet interval. [Pleasantly] You dont mind my waiting just a minute or two, do you ?

  RAINA [putting on her most genteel society manner] Oh, not at all. Wont you sit down ?

  THE MAN. Thanks [He sits on the foot of the bed].

  Raina walks with studied elegance to the ottoman and sits down. Unfortunately she sits on the pistol, and jumps up with ashriek. The man, all nerves, shies like a frightened horse to theother side of the room.

  THE MAN [irritably] Dont frighten me like that. What is it ?

  RAINA. Your revolver! It was staring that officer in the face all the time. What an escape!

  THE MAN [vexed at being unnecessarily terrified] Oh, is that all ?

  RAINA [staring at him rather superciliously as she conceives a poorer and poorer opinion of him, and feels proportionately more and more at her ease] I am sorry I frightened you. [She takes up the pistol and hands it to him]. Pray take it to protect yourself against me.

  THE MAN [grinning wearily at the sarcasm as he takes the pistol] No use, dear young lady: theres nothing in it. It’s not loaded. [He makes a grimace at it, and drops it disparagingly into his revolver case.]

  RAINA. Load it by all means.

  THE MAN. Ive no ammunition. What use are cartridges in battle ? I always carry chocolate instead; and I finished the last cake of that hours ago.

  RAINA [outraged in her most cherished ideals of manhood] Chocolate! Do you stuff your pockets with sweets – like a schoolboy – even in the field ?

  THE MAN [grinning] Yes: isnt it contemptible ? [Hungrily] I wish I had some now.

  RAINA. Allow me. [She sails away scornfully to the chest of drawers, and returns with the box of confectionery in her hand]. I am sorry I have eaten them all except these. [She offers him the box].

  THE MAN [ravenously] Youre an angel! [He gobbles the contents]. Creams! Delicious! [He looks anxiously to see whether there are any more. There are none: he can only scrape the box with his fingers and suck them. When that nourishment is exhausted he accepts the inevitable with pathetic goodhumor, and says, with grateful emotion] Bless you, dear lady! You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young ones carry pistols and cartridges: the old ones, grub. Thank you. [He hands back the box. Shesnatches it contemptuously from him and throws it away. He shies again, as if she had meant to strike him]. Ugh! Dont do things so suddenly, gracious lady. It’s mean to revenge yourself because I frightened you just now.

  RAINA [loftily] Frighten me! Do you know, sir, that though I am only a woman, I think I am at heart as brave as you.

  THE MAN. I should think so. You havnt been under fire for three days as I have. I can stand two days without shewing it much: but no man can stand three days; I’m as nervous as a mouse. [He sits down on the ottoman, and takes his head in his hands]. Would you like to see me cry ?

  RAINA [alarmed] No.

  THE MAN. If you would, all you have to do is to scold me just as if I were a little boy and you my nurse. If I were in camp now, theyd play all sorts of tricks on me.

  RAINA [a little moved] I’m sorry. I wont scold you. [Touched by the sympathy in her tone, he raises his head and looks gratefully at her: she immediately draws back and says stiffly] You must excuse me: our soldiers are not like that. [She moves away from the ottoman].

  THE MAN. Oh yes they are. There are only two sorts of soldiers: old ones and young ones. Ive served fourteen years: half of your fellows never smelt powder before. Why, how is it that youve just beaten us ? Sheer ignorance of the art of war, nothing else. [Indignantly] I never saw anything so unprofessional.

  RAINA [ironically] Oh! was it unprofessional to beat you ?

  THE MAN. Well, come! is it professional to throw a regiment of cavalry on a battery of machine guns, with the dead certainty that if the guns go off not a horse or man will ever get within fifty yards of the fire ? I couldnt believe my eyes when I saw it.

  RAINA [eagerly turning to him, as all her enthusiasm and her dreams of glory rush back on her] Did you see the great cavalry charge ? Oh, tell me about it. Describe it to me.

  THE MAN. You never saw a cavalry charge, did you ?

  RAINA. How could I ?

  THE MAN. Ah, perhaps not. No: of course not! Well, it’s a funny sight. It’s like slinging a handful of peas against a window pane: first one comes; then two or three close behind him; and then all the rest in a lump.

  RAINA [her eyes dilating as she raises her clasped hands ecstatically] Yes, first One! the bravest of the brave!

  THE MAN [prosaically] Hm! you should see the poor devil pulling at his horse.

  RAINA. Why should he pull at his horse ?

  THE MAN [impatient of so stupid a question] It’s running away with him, of course: do you suppose the fellow wants to get there before the others and be killed ? Then they all come. You can tell the young ones by their wildness and their slashing. The old ones come bunched up under the number one guard: they know that theyre mere projectiles, and that it’s no use trying to fight. The wounds are mostly broken knees, from the horses cannoning together.

  RAINA. Ugh! But I dont believe the first man is a coward. I know he is a hero!

  THE MAN [goodhumoredly] Thats what youd have said if youd seen the first man in the charge today.

  RAINA [breathless, forgiving him everything] Ah, I knew it! Tell me. Tell me about him.

  THE MAN. He did it like an operatic tenor. A regular handsome fellow, with flashing eyes and lovely moustache, shouting his war-cry and charging like Don Quixote at the windmills. We did laugh.

  RAINA. You dared to laugh!

  THE MAN. Yes; but when the sergeant ran up as white as a sheet, and told us theyd sent us the wrong ammunition, and that we couldnt fire a round for the next ten minutes, we laughed at the other side of our mouths. I never felt so sick in my life; though Ive been in one or two very tight places. And I hadnt even a revolver cartridge: only chocolate. We’d no bayonets: nothing. Of course, they just cut us to bits. And there was Don Quixote flourishing like a drum major, thinking he’d done the cleverest thing ever known, whereas he ought to be courtmartialled for it. Of all the fools ever let loose on a field of battle, that man must be the very maddest. He and his regiment simply committed suicide; only the pistol missed fire: thats all.

  RAINA [deeply wounded, but steadfastly loyal to her ideals] Indeed! Would you know him again if you saw him ?

  THE MAN. Shall I ever forget him!

  She again goes to the chest of drawers. He watches her with a vague hope that she may have something more for him to eat. She takes the portrait from its stand and brings it to him.

  RAINA. That is a photograph of the gentleman – the patriot and hero – to whom I am betrothed.

  THE MAN [recognizing it with a shock] I’m really very sorry. [Looking at her] Was it fair to lead me on ? [He looks at the portrait again] Yes: thats Don Quixote: not a doubt of it. [He stifles a laugh.]

  RAINA [quickly] Why do you laugh ?

  THE MAN [apologetic, but still greatly tickled] I didnt laugh, I assure you. At least I didnt mean to. But when I think of him charging the windmills and imagining he was doing the finest thing – [He chokes with suppressed laug
hter].

  RAINA [sternly] Give me back the portrait, sir.

  THE MAN [with sincere remorse] Of course. Certainly. I’m really very sorry. [He hands her the picture. She deliberately kisses it and looks him straight in the face before returning to the chest of drawers to replace it. He follows her, apologizing]. Perhaps I’m quite wrong, you know: no doubt I am. Most likely he had got wind of the cartridge business somehow, and knew it was a safe job.

  RAINA. That is to say, he was a pretender and a coward! You did not dare say that before.

  THE MAN [with a comic gesture of despair] It’s no use, dear lady: I cant make you see it from the professional point of view. [As he turns away to get back to the ottoman, a couple of distant shots threaten renewed trouble].

  RAINA [sternly, as she sees him listening to the shots] So much the better for you!

  THE MAN [turning] How ?

  RAINA. You are my enemy; and you are at my mercy. What would I do if I were a professional soldier ?

  THE MAN. Ah, true, dear young lady: youre always right. I know how good youve been to me: to my last hour I shall remember those three chocolate creams. It was unsoldierly; but it was angelic.

  RAINA [coldly] Thank you. And now I will do a soldierly thing. You cannot stay here after what you have just said about my future husband; but I will go out on the balcony and see whether it is safe for you to climb down into the street. [She turns to the window].

  THE MAN [changing countenance] Down that waterpipe! Stop! Wait! I cant! I darent! The very thought of it makes me giddy. I came up it fast enough with death behind me. But to face it now in cold blood –! [He sinks on the ottoman]. It’s no use: I give up: I’m beaten. Give the alarm. [He drops his head on his hands in the deepest dejection].

  RAINA [disarmed by pity] Come: dont be disheartened. [She stoops over him almost maternally: he shakes his head]. Oh, you are a very poor soldier: a chocolate cream soldier! Come, cheer up! it takes less courage to climb down than to face capture: remember that.

  THE MAN [dreamily, lulled by her voice] No: capture only means death; and death is sleep: oh, sleep, sleep, sleep, undisturbed sleep! Climbing down the pipe means doing something – exerting myself – thinking! Death ten times over first.

  RAINA [softly and wonderingly, catching the rhythm of his weariness] Are you as sleepy as that ?

  THE MAN. Ive not had two hours undisturbed sleep since I joined. I havnt closed my eyes for forty-eight hours.

  RAINA [at her wit’s end] But what am I to do with you ?

  THE MAN [staggering up, roused by her desperation] Of course. I must do something. [He shakes himself; pulls himself together; and speaks with rallied vigor and courage]. You see, sleep or no sleep, hunger or no hunger, tired or not tired, you can always do a thing when you know it must be done. Well, that pipe must be got down: [he hits himself on the chest] do you hear that, you chocolate cream soldier ? [He turns to the window].

  RAINA [anxiously] But if you fall ?

  THE MAN. I shall sleep as if the stones were a feather bed. Goodbye. [He makes boldly for the window; and his hand is on the shutter when there is a terrible burst of firing in the street beneath].

  RAINA [rushing to him] Stop! [She seizes him recklessly, and pulls him quite round]. Theyll kill you.

  THE MAN [coolly, but attentively] Never mind: this sort of thing is all in my day’s work. I’m bound to take my chance. [Decisively] Now do what I tell you. Put out the candle; so that they shant see the light when I open the shutters. And keep away from the window, whatever you do. If they see me theyre sure to have a shot at me.

  RAINA [clinging to him] Theyre sure to see you: it’s bright moonlight. I’ll save you. Oh, how can you be so indifferent! You want me to save you, dont you ?

  THE MAN. I really dont want to be troublesome. [She shakes him in her impatience], I am not indifferent, dear young lady, I assure you. But how is it to be done ?

  RAINA. Come away from the window. [She takes him firmly back to the middle of the room. The moment she releases him he turns mechanically towards the window again. She seizes him and turns him back, exclaiming] Please! [He becomes motionless, like a hypnotized rabbit, his fatigue gaining fast on him. She releases him, and addresses him patronizingly]. Now listen. You must trust to our hospitality. You do not yet know in whose house you are. I am a Petkoff.

  THE MAN. A pet what ?

  RAINA [rather indignantly] I mean that I belong to the family of the Petkoffs, the richest and best known in our country.

  THE MAN. Oh yes, of course. I beg your pardon. The Petkoffs, to be sure. How stupid of me!

  RAINA. You know you never heard of them until this moment. How can you stoop to pretend!

  THE MAN. Forgive me: I’m too tired to think; and the change of subject was too much for me. Dont scold me.

  RAINA. I forgot. It might make you cry. [He nods, quite seriously. She pouts and then resumes her patronizing tone]. I must tell you that my father holds the highest command of any Bulgarian in our army. He is [proudly] a Major.

  THE MAN [prentending to be deeply impressed] A Major! Bless me! Think of that!

  RAINA. YOU shewed great ignorance in thinking that it was necessary to climb up to the balcony because ours is the only private house that has two rows of windows. There is a flight of stairs inside to get up and down by.

  THE MAN. Stairs! How grand! You live in great luxury indeed, dear young lady.

  RAINA. Do you know what a library is ?

  THE MAN. A library ? A roomful of books ?

  RAINA. Yes. We have one, the only one in Bulgaria.

  THE MAN. Actually a real library! I should like to see that.

  RAINA [affectedly] I tell you these things to shew you that you are not in the house of ignorant country folk who would kill you the moment they saw your Serbian uniform, but among civilized people. We go to Bucharest every year for the opera season; and I have spent a whole month in Vienna.

  THE MAN. I saw that, dear young lady. I saw at once that you knew the world.

  RAINA. Have you ever seen the opera of Ernani ?

  THE MAN. Is that the one with the devil in it in red velvet, and a soldiers’ chorus ?

  RAINA [contemptuously] No!

  THE MAN [stifling a heavy sigh of weariness] Then I dont know it.

  RAINA. I thought you might have remembered the great scene where Ernani, flying from his foes just as you are tonight, takes refuge in the castle of his bitterest enemy, an old Castilian noble. The noble refuses to give him up. His guest is sacred to him.

  THE MAN [quickly, waking up a little] Have your people got that notion ?

  RAINA [with dignity] My mother and I can understand that notion, as you call it. And if instead of threatening me with your pistol as you did you had simply thrown yourself as a fugitive on our hospitality, you would have been as safe as in your father’s house.

  THE MAN. Quite sure ?

  RAINA [turning her back on him in disgust] Oh, it is useless to try to make you understand.

  THE MAN. Dont be angry: you see how awkward it would be for me if there was any mistake. My father is a very hospitable man: he keeps six hotels; but I couldnt trust him as far as that. What about your father ?

  RAINA. He is away at Slivnitza fighting for his country. I answer for your safety. There is my hand in pledge of it. Will that reassure you ? [She offers him her hand].

  THE MAN [looking dubiously at his own hand] Better not touch my hand, dear young lady. I must have a wash first.

  RAINA [touched] That is very nice of you. I see that you are a gentleman.

  THE MAN [puzzled] Eh ?

  RAINA. You must not think I am surprised. Bulgarians of really good standing – people in our position – wash their hands nearly every day. So you see I can appreciate your delicacy. You may take my hand. [She offers it again].

  THE MAN [kissing it with his hands behind his back] Thanks, gracious young lady: I feel safe at last. And now would you mind breaking the news to your mother ? I had b
etter not stay here secretly longer than is necessary.

  RAINA. If you will be so good as to keep perfectly still whilst I am away.

  THE MAN. Certainly. [He sits down on the ottoman].

  Raina goes to the bed and wraps herself in the fur cloak. His eyes close. She goes to the door. Turning for a last look at him, shesees that he is dropping off to sleep.

  RAINA [at the door] You are not going asleep, are you ? [He murmurs inarticulately: she runs to him and shakes him]. Do you hear ? Wake up: you are falling asleep.

  THE MAN. Eh ? Falling aslee– ? Oh no: not the least in the world: I was only thinking. It’s all right: I’m wide awake.

  RAINA [severely] Will you please stand up while I am away. [He rises reluctantly]. All the time, mind.

  THE MAN [standing unsteadily] Certainly. Certainly: you may depend on me.

  Raina looks doubtfully at him. He smiles weakly. She goes reluctantly, turning again at the door, and almost catching him in the act of yawning. She goes out.

  THE MAN [drowsily] Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, slee– [The words trail off into a murmur. He wakes again with a shock on the point of falling]. Where am I? That’s what I want to know: where am I ? Must keep awake. Nothing keeps me awake except danger: remember that: [intently] danger, danger, danger, dan – [trailing off again; another shock] Wheres danger ? Mus’ find it. [He starts off vaguely round the room in search of it]. What am I looking for ? Sleep – danger – dont know. [He stumbles against the bed]. Ah yes: now I know. All right now. I’m to go to bed, but not to sleep. Be sure not to sleep, because of danger. Not to lie down either, only sit down. [He sits on the bed. A blissful expression comes into his face]. Ah! [With a happy sigh he sinks back at full length; lifts his boots into the bed with a final effort; and falls fast asleep instantly].

  Catherine comes in, followed by Raina.