Pygmalion and Three Other Plays Read online

  SIR PATRICK And youll take out of Dubedat’s scale all the faith he has destroyed and the honor he has lost, and youll put into Blenkinsop’s scale all the faith he has justified and the honor he has created.

  RIDGEON Come come, Paddy! none of your claptrap with me: I’m too sceptical for it. I’m not at all convinced that the world wouldnt be a better world if everybody behaved as Dubedat does than it is now that everybody behaves as Blenkinsop does.

  SIR PATRICK Then why dont y o u behave as Dubedat does?

  RIDGEON Ah, that beats me. Thats the experimental test. Still, it’s a dilemma. It’s a dilemma. You see theres a complication we havnt mentioned.

  SIR PATRICK Whats that?

  RIDGEON Well, if I let Blenkinsop die, at least nobody can say I did it because I wanted to marry his widow.

  SIR PATRICK Eh? Whats that?

  RIDGEON Now if I let Dubedat die, I’ll marry his widow

  SIR PATRICK Perhaps she wont have you, you know.

  RIDGEON [with a self-assured shake of the head] I’ve a pretty good flair for that sort of thing. I know when a woman is interested in me. She is.

  SIR PATRICK Well, sometimes a man knows best; and sometimes he knows worst. Youd much better cure them both.

  RIDGEON I cant. I’m at my limit. I can squeeze in one more case, but not two. I must choose.

  SIR PATRICK Well, you must choose as if she didnt exist: thats clear.

  RIDGEON Is that clear to you? Mind: it’s not clear to me. She troubles my judgment.

  SIR PATRICK To me, it’s a plain choice between a man and a lot of pictures.

  RIDGEON It’s easier to replace a dead man than a good picture.

  SIR PATRICK Colly: when you live in an age that runs to pictures and statues and plays and brass bands because its men and women are not good enough to comfort its poor aching soul, you should thank Providence that you belong to a profession which is a high and great profession because its business is to heal and mend men and women.

  RIDGEON In short, as a member of a high and great profession, I’m to kill my patient.

  SIR PATRICK Dont talk wicked nonsense. You cant kill him. But you can leave him in other hands.

  RIDGEON In B. B.‘s, for instance: eh? [looking at him significantly].

  SIR PATRICK [demurely facing his look] Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington is a very eminent physician.

  RIDGEON He is.

  SIR PATRICK I’m going for my hat.

  RIDGEON strikes the bell as SIR PATRICK makes for the hotel. A waiter comes.

  RIDGEON [to the waiter] Myi bill, please.

  WAITER Yes, sir.

  He goes for it.

  ACT III

  In Dubedat’s studio. Viewed from the large window the outer door is in the wall on the left at the near end. The door leading to the inner rooms is in the opposite wall, at the far end. The facing wall has neither window nor door. The plaster on all the walls is uncovered and undecorated, except by scrawlings of charcoal sketches and memoranda. There is a studio throne (a chair on a dais) a little to the left, opposite the inner door, and an easel to the right, opposite the outer door, with a dilapidated chair at it. Near the easel and against the wall is a bare wooden table with bottles and jars of oil and medium, paint-smudged rags, tubes of color, brushes, charcoal, a small lay figure, [157] a kettle and spirit-lamp,[158] and other odds and ends. By the table is a sofa, littered with drawing blocks, sketch-books, loose sheets of paper, newspapers, books, and more smudged rags. Next the outer door is an umbrella and hat stand, occupied partly by Louis’ hats and cloak and muffler, and partly by odds and ends of costumes. There is an old piano stool on the near side of this door. In the corner near the inner door is a little tea-table. A lay figure, in a cardinal’s robe and hat, with an hour-glass in one hand and a scythe slung on its back, smiles with inane malice at Louis, who, in a milkman’s smock much smudged with colors, is painting a piece of brocade which he has draped about his wife. She is sitting on the throne, not interested in the painting, and appealing to him very anxiously about another matter.

  MRS DUBEDAT Promise.

  LOUIS [putting on a touch of paint with notable skill and care and answering quite perfunctorily] I promise, my darling.

  MRS DUBEDAT When you want money, you will always come to me.

  LOUIS But it’s so sordid, dearest. I hate money. I cant keep always bothering you for money, money, money. Thats what drives me sometimes to ask other people, though I hate doing it.

  MRS DUBEDAT It is far better to ask me, dear. It gives people a wrong idea of you.

  LOUIS But I want to spare your little fortune, and raise money on my own work. Dont be unhappy, love: I can easily earn enough to pay it all back. I shall have a one-man-show next season; and then there will be no more money troubles. [Putting down his palette] There! I mustnt do any more on that until it’s bone-dry; so you may come down.

  MRS DUBEDAT [throwing off the drapery as she steps down, and revealing a plain frock of tussore silk] [159] But you have promised, remember, seriously and faithfully, never to borrow again until you have first asked me.

  LOUIS Seriously and faithfully. [Embracing her] Ah, my love, how right you are! how much it means to me to have you by me to guard me against living too much in the skies. On my solemn oath, from this moment forth I will never borrow another penny.

  MRS DUBEDAT [delighted] Ah, thats right. Does his wicked worrying wife torment him and drag him down from the clouds. [She kisses him]. And now, dear, wont you finish those drawings for Maclean?

  LOUIS Oh, they dont matter. Ive got nearly all the money from him in advance.

  MRS DUBEDAT But, dearest, that is just the reason why you should finish them. He asked me the other day whether you really intended to finish them.

  LOUIS Confound his impudence! What the devil does he take me for? Now that just destroys all my interest in the beastly job. Ive a good mind to throw up the commission, and pay him back his money.

  MRS DUBEDAT We cant afford that, dear. You had better finish the drawings and have done with them. I think it is a mistake to accept money in advance.

  LOUIS But how are we to live?

  MRS DUBEDAT Well, Louis, it is getting hard enough as it is, now that they are all refusing to pay except on delivery.

  LOUIS Damn those fellows! they think of nothing and care for nothing but their wretched money.

  MRS DUBEDAT Still, if they pay us, they ought to have what they pay for.

  LOUIS [coaxing] There now: thats enough lecturing for to-day. Ive promised to be good, havnt I?

  MRS DUBEDAT [putting her arms round his neck] You know that I hate lecturing, and that I dont for a moment misunderstand you, dear, dont you?

  LOUIS [fondly] I know. I know. I’m a wretch; and youre an angel. Oh, if only I were strong enough to work steadily, I’d make my darling’s house a temple, and her shrine a chapel more beautiful than was ever imagined. I cant pass the shops without wrestling with the temptation to go in and order all the really good things they have for you.

  MRS DUBEDAT I want nothing but you, dear. [She gives him a caress, to which he responds so passionately that she disengages herself]. There! be good now: remember that the doctors are coming this morning. Isnt it extraordinarily kind of them, Louis, to insist on coming? all of them, to consult about you?

  LOUIS [coolly] Oh, I daresay they think it will be a feather in their cap to cure a rising artist. They wouldnt come if it didnt amuse them, anyhow. [Someone knocks at the door]. I say: it’s not time yet, is it?

  MRS DUBEDAT No, not quite yet.

  LOUIS [opening the door and finding RIDGEON there] Hello, Ridgeon. Delighted to see you. Come in.

  MRS DUBEDAT [shaking hands] It’s so good of you to come, doctor.

  LOUIS Excuse this place, wont you? It’s only a studio, you know: theres no real convenience for living here. But we pig along somehow, thanks to Jennifer.

  MRS DUBEDAT Now I’ll run away. Perhaps later on, when youre finished with Louis
, I may come in and hear the verdict. [RIDGEON bows rather constrainedly]. Would you rather I didnt?

  RIDGEON Not at all. Not at all.

  MRS DUBEDAT looks at him, a little puzzled by his formal manner; then goes into the inner room.

  LOUIS [flippantly] I say: dont look so grave. Theres nothing awful going to happen, is there?

  RIDGEON No.

  LOUIS Thats all right. Poor Jennifer has been looking forward to your visit more than you can imagine. She’s taken quite a fancy to you, Ridgeon. The poor girl has nobody to talk to: I’m always painting. [Taking up a sketch] Theres a little sketch I made of her yesterday.

  RIDGEON She shewed it to me a fortnight ago when she first called on me.

  LOUIS [quite unabashed] Oh! did she? Good Lord! how time does fly! I could have sworn I’d only just finished it. It’s hard for her here, seeing me piling up drawings and nothing coming in for them. Of course I shall sell them next year fast enough, after my one-man-show; but while the grass grows the steed starves. I hate to have her coming to me for money, and having none to give her. But what can I do?

  RIDGEON I understood that Mrs Dubedat had some property of her own.

  LOUIS Oh yes, a little; but how could a man with any decency of feeling touch that? Suppose I did, what would she have to live on if I died? I’m not insured: cant afford the premiums. [Picking out another drawing] How do you like that?

  RIDGEON [putting it aside] I have not come here to-day to look at your drawings. I have more serious and pressing business with you.

  LOUIS You want to sound my wretched lung. [With impulsive candor] My dear Ridgeon: I’ll be frank with you. Whats the matter in this house isnt lungs but bills. It doesnt matter about me; but Jennifer has actually to economize in the matter of food.Youve made us feel that we can treat you as a friend. Will you lend us a hundred and fifty pounds?

  RIDGEON No.

  LOUIS [surprised] Why not?

  RIDGEON I am not a rich man; and I want every penny I can spare and more for my researches.

  LOUIS You mean youd want the money back again.

  RIDGEON I presume people sometimes have that in view when they lend money.

  LOUIS (after a moment’s reflection] Well, I can manage that for you. I’ll give you a cheque — or see here: theres no reason why you shouldnt have your bit too: I’ll give you a cheque for two hundred.

  RIDGEON Why not cash the cheque at once without troubling me?

  LOUIS Bless you! they wouldnt cash it: I’m overdrawn as it is. No: the way to work it is this. I’ll post-date the cheque next October. In October Jennifer’s dividends come in. Well, you present the cheque. It will be returned marked “refer to drawer” or some rubbish of that sort. Then you can take it to Jennifer, and hint that if the cheque isnt taken up at once I shall be put in prison. She’ll pay you like a shot. Youll clear £50; and youll do me a real service; for I do want the money very badly, old chap, I assure you.

  RIDGEON [staring at him] You see no objection to the transaction ; and you anticipate none from me!

  LOUIS Well, what objection can there be? It’s quite safe. I can convince you about the dividends.

  RIDGEON I mean on the score of its being — shall I say dis honorable ?

  LOUIS Well, of course I shouldnt suggest it if I didnt want the money.

  RIDGEON Indeed! Well, you will have to find some other means of getting it.

  LOUIS Do you mean that you refuse?

  RIDGEON Do I mean — ! [letting his indignation loose] Of course I refuse, man. What do you take me for? How dare you make such a proposal to me?

  LOUIS Why not?

  RIDGEON Faugh! You would not understand me if I tried to explain. Now, once for all, I will not lend you a farthing. I should be glad to help your wife; but lending you money is no service to her.

  LOUIS Oh well, if youre in earnest about helping her, I’ll tell you what you might do. You might get your patients to buy some of my things, or to give me a few portrait commissions.

  RIDGEON My patients call me in as a physician, not as a commercial traveller.

  A knock at the door. LOUIS goes unconcernedly to open it, pursuing the subject as he goes.

  LOUIS But you must have great influence with them . You must know such lots of things about them — private things that they wouldnt like to have known. They wouldnt dare to refuse you.

  RIDGEON [exploding] Well, upon my — LOUIS opens the door, and admits SIR PATRICK, SIR RALPH, and WALPOLE.

  RIDGEON [proceeding furiously) Walpole: Ive been here hardly ten minutes; and already he’s tried to borrow ? 150 from me. Then he proposed that I should get the money for him by blackmailing his wife; and youve just interrupted him in the act of suggesting that I should blackmail my patients into sitting to him for their portraits.

  LOUIS Well, Ridgeon, if this is what you call being an honorable man! I spoke to you in confidence.

  SIR PATRICK We’re all going to speak to you in confidence, young man.

  WALPOLE [hanging his hat on the only peg left vacant on the hat-stand] We shall make ourselves at home for half an hour, Dubedat. Dont be alarmed: youre a most fascinating chap; and we love you.

  LOUIS Oh, all right, all right. Sit down — anywhere you can. Take this chair, Sir Patrick [indicating the one on the throne]. Up-z-z-z [helping him up: SIR PATRICK grunts and enthrones himself]. Here you are, B. B. [SIR RALPH glares at the familiarity; but LOUIS, quite undisturbed, puts a big book and a sofa cushion on the dais, on SIR PATRICK’s right; and B. B. sits down, under protest]. Let me take your hat. [He takes B. B.’s hat unceremoniously, and substitutes it for the cardinal’s hat on the head of the lay figure, thereby ingeniously destroying the dignity of the conclave. He then draws the piano stool from the wall and offers it to WALPOLE) . You dont mind this, Walpole, do you? [WALPOLE accepts the stool, and puts his hand into his pocket for his cigaret case. Missing it, he is reminded of his loss].

  WALPOLE By the way, I’ll trouble you for my cigaret case, if you dont mind?

  LOUIS What cigaret case?

  WALPOLE The gold one I lent you at the Star and Garter.

  LOUIS [surprised] Was that yours?

  WALPOLE Yes.

  LOUIS I’m awfully sorry, old chap. I wondered whose it was. I’m sorry to say this is all thats left of it. [He hitches up his smock; produces a card from his waistcoat pocket; and hands it to Walpole].

  WALPOLE A pawn ticket!

  LOUIS [reassuringly] It’s quite safe: he cant sell it for a year, you know. I say, my dear Walpole, I am sorry. [He places his hand ingenuously on Walpole’s shoulder and looks frankly at him].

  WALPOLE [sinking on the stool with a gasp] Dont mention it. It adds to your fascination.

  RIDGEON [who has been standing near the easel] Before we go any further, you have a debt to pay, Mr Dubedat.

  LOUIS I have a precious lot of debts to pay, Ridgeon. I’ll fetch you a chair. [He makes for the inner door].

  RIDGEON [stopping him] You shall not leave the room until you pay it. It’s a small one; and pay it you must and shall. I dont so much mind your borrowing ? IO from one of my guests and £20 from the other —

  WALPOLE I walked into it, you know. I offered it.

  RIDGEON — they could afford it. But to clean poor Blenkinsop out of his last half-crown was damnable. I intend to give him that half-crown and to be in a position to pledge him my word that you paid it. I’ll have that out of you, at all events.

  B. B. Quite right, Ridgeon. Quite right. Come, young man! down with the dust.[160] Pay up.

  LOUIS Oh, you neednt make such a fuss about it. Of course I’ll pay it. I had no idea the poor fellow was hard up. I’m as shocked as any of you about it. [Putting his hand into his pocket] Here you are. (Finding his pocket empty] Oh, I say, I havnt any money on me just at present. Walpole: would you mind lending me half-a-crown just to settle this.

  WALPOLE Lend you half — [his voicefaints away].

  LOUIS Well, if you dont, Blenkinsop wont get it
; for I havnt a rap: you may search my pockets if you like.

  WALPOLE Thats conclusive. [He produces half-a-crown].

  LOUIS [passing it to Ridgeon] There! I’m really glad thats settled : it was the only thing that was on my conscience. Now I hope youre all satisfied.

  SIR PATRICK Not quite, Mr Dubedat. Do you happen to know a young woman named Minnie Tinwell?

  LOUIS Minnie! I should think I do; and Minnie knows me too. She’s a really nice good girl, considering her station. Whats become of her?

  WALPOLE It’s no use b l u f f i n g, Dubedat. Weve seen Minnie’s marriage lines.

  LOUIS [coolly] Indeed? Have you seen Jennifer’s?

  RIDGEON [rising in irrepressible rage] Do you dare insinuate that Mrs Dubedat is living with you without being married to you?

  LOUIS Why not?

  LOUIS Yes, why not? Lots of people do it: just as good people as you. Why dont you learn to t h i n k, instead of bleating and baahing like a lot of sheep when you come up against anything youre not accustomed to? [Contemplating their amazed faces with a chuckle] I say: I should like to draw the lot of you now: you do look jolly foolish. Especially you, Ridgeon. I had you that time, you know.

  RIDGEON How, pray?

  LOUIS Well, you set up to appreciate Jennifer, you know. And you despise me, dont you?

  RIDGEON (curtly] I loathe you. [He sits down again on the sofa].

  LOUIS Just so. And yet you believe that Jennifer is a bad lot because you think I told you so.

  RIDGEON Were you lying?

  LOUIS No; but you were smelling out a scandal instead of keeping your mind clean and wholesome. I can just play with people like you. I only asked you had you seen Jennifer’s marriage lines; and you concluded straight away that she hadnt got any. You dont know a lady when you see one.

  B. B. [majestically] What do you mean by that, may I ask?

  LOUIS Now, I’m only an immoral artist; but if y o u d told me that Jennifer wasnt married, I’d have had the gentlemanly feeling and artistic instinct to say that she carried her marriage certificate in her face and in her character. But y o u are all moral men; and Jennifer is only an artist’s wife — probably a model; and morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married. Arnt you ashamed of yourselves? Can one of you look me in the face after it?