Pygmalion and Three Other Plays Read online

  CUSINS I do not: all the poet in me recoils from being a good man. But there are things in me that I must reckon with: pity —

  UNDERSHAFT Pity! The scavenger of misery.

  CUSINS Well, love.

  UNDERSHAFT I know. You love the needy and the outcast: you love the oppressed races, the negro, the Indian ryot,[80] the Pole, the Irishman. Do you love the Japanese? Do you love the Germans? Do you love the English?

  CUSINS No. Every true Englishman detests the English. We are the wickedest nation on earth; and our success is a moral horror.

  UNDERSHAFT That is what comes of your gospel of love, is it?

  CUSINS May I not love even my father-in-law?

  UNDERSHAFT Who wants your love, man? By what right do you take the liberty of offering it to me? I will have your due heed and respect, or I will kill you. But your love. Damn your impertinence!

  CUSINS [grinning] I may not be able to control my affections, Mac.

  UNDERSHAFT You are fencing, Euripides. You are weakening: your grip is slipping. Come! try your last weapon. Pity and love have broken in your hand: forgiveness is still left.

  CUSINS No: forgiveness is a beggar’s refuge. I am with you there: we must pay our debts.

  UNDERSHAFT Well said. Come! you will suit me. Remember the words of Plato.

  CUSINS [starting] Plato! You dare quote Plato to m e!

  UNDERSHAFT Plato says, my friend, that society cannot be saved until either the Professors of Greek take to making gunpowder, or else the makers of gunpowder become Professors of Greek.[81]

  CUSINS Oh, tempter, cunning tempter!

  UNDERSHAFT Come! choose, man, choose.

  CUSINS But perhaps Barbara will not marry me if I make the wrong choice.

  BARBARA Perhaps not.

  CUSINS [desperately perplexed] You hear!

  BARBARA Father: do you love nobody?

  UNDERSHAFT I love my best friend.

  LADY BRITOMART And who is that, pray?

  UNDERSHAFT My bravest enemy. That is the man who keeps me up to the mark.

  CUSINS You know, the creature is really a sort of poet in his way. Suppose he is a great man, after all!

  UNDERSHAFT Suppose you stop talking and make up your mind, my young friend.

  CUSINS But you are driving me against my nature. I hate war.

  UNDERSHAFT Hatred is the coward’s revenge for being intimidated. Dare you make war on war? Here are the means: my friend Mr. Lomax is sitting on them.

  LOMAX [springing up] Oh I say! You dont mean that this thing is loaded, do you? My ownest: come off it.

  SARAH [sitting placidly on the shell] If I am to be blown up, the more thoroughly it is done the better. Dont fuss, Cholly.

  LOMAX [to UNDERSHAFT, strongly remonstrant] Your own daughter, you know.

  UNDERSHAFT So I see. [To CUSINS.] Well, my friend, may we expect you here at six tomorrow morning?

  CUSINS [firmly] Not on any account. I will see the whole establishment blown up with its own dynamite before I will get up at five. My hours are healthy, rational hours: eleven to five.

  UNDERSHAFT Come when you please: before a week you will come at six and stay until I turn you out for the sake of your health. [Calling.] Bilton! [He turns to LADY BRITOMART, who rises.] My dear: let us leave these two young people to themselves for a moment. [BILTON comes from the shed.] I am going to take you through the gun cotton shed.

  BILTON [barring the way] You cant take anything explosive in here, sir.

  LADY BRITOMART What do you mean? Are you alluding to me?

  BILTON [unmoved] No, maam. Mr. Undershaft has the other gentleman’s matches in his pocket.

  LADY BRITOMART [abruptly] Oh! I beg your pardon. [She goes into the shed.]

  UNDERSHAFT Quite right, Bilton, quite right: here you are. [He gives BILTON the box of matches.] Come, Stephen. Come, Charles. Bring Sarah. [He passes into the shed.]

  BILTON opens the box and deliberately drops the matches into the fire-bucket.

  LOMAX Oh I say! [BILTON stolidly hands him the empty box.] Infernal nonsense! Pure scientific ignorance! [He goes in.]

  SARAH Am I all right, Bilton?

  BILTON Youll have to put on list slippers,[82] miss: thats all. Weve got em inside. [She goes in.]

  STEPHEN [very seriously to CUSINS] Dolly, old fellow, think. Think before you decide. Do you feel that you are a sufficiently practical man? It is a huge undertaking, an enormous responsibility. All this mass of business will be Greek to you.

  CUSINS Oh, I think it will be much less difficult than Greek.

  STEPHEN Well, I just want to say this before I leave you to yourselves. Dont let anything I have said about right and wrong prejudice you against this great chance in life. I have satisfied myself that the business is one of the highest character and a credit to our country. [Emotionally. ] I am very proud of my father. I — [Unable to proceed, he presses CUSINS‘hand and goes hastily into the shed, followed by BILTON.] BARBARA and CUSINS, left alone together, look at one another silently.

  CUSINS Barbara: I am going to accept this offer.

  BARBARA I thought you would.

  CUSINS You understand, dont you, that I had to decide without consulting you. If I had thrown the burden of the choice on you, you would sooner or later have despised me for it.

  BARBARA Yes: I did not want you to sell your soul for me any more than for this inheritance.

  CUSINS It is not the sale of my soul that troubles me: I have sold it too often to care about that. I have sold it for a professorship I have sold it for an income. I have sold it to escape being imprisoned for refusing to pay taxes for hangmen’s ropes and unjust wars and things that I abhor. What is all human conduct but the daily and hourly sale of our souls for trifles? What I am now selling it for is neither money nor position nor comfort, but for reality and for power.

  BARBARA You know that you will have no power, and that he has none.

  CUSINS I know. It is not for myself alone. I want to make power for the world.

  BARBARA I want to make power for the world too; but it must be spiritual power.

  CUSINS I think all power is spiritual: these cannons will not go off by themselves. I have tried to make spiritual power by teaching Greek. But the world can never be really touched by a dead language and a dead civilization. The people must have power; and the people cannot have Greek. Now the power that is made here can be wielded by all men.

  BARBARA Power to burn women’s houses down and kill their sons and tear their husbands to pieces.

  CUSINS You cannot have power for good without having power for evil too. Even mother’s milk nourishes murderers as well as heroes. This power which only tears men’s bodies to pieces has never been so horribly abused as the intellectual power, the imaginative power, the poetic, religious power than can enslave men’s souls. As a teacher of Greek I gave the intellectual man weapons against the common man. I now want to give the common man weapons against the intellectual man. I love the common people. I want to arm them against the lawyer, the doctor, the priest, the literary man, the professor, the artist, and the politician, who, once in authority, are the most dangerous, disastrous, and tyrannical of all the fools, rascals, and impostors. I want a democratic power strong enough to force the intellectual oligarchy to use its genius for the general good or else perish.

  BARBARA Is there no higher power than that [pointing to the shell]?

  CUSINS Yes: but that power can destroy the higher powers just as a tiger can destroy a man: therefore man must master that power first. I admitted this when the Turks and Greeks were last at war. My best pupil went out to fight for Hellas. My parting gift to him was not a copy of Plato’s Republic, but a revolver and a hundred Undershaft cartridges. The blood of every Turk he shot — if he shot any — is on my head as well as on Undershaft’s. That act committed me to this place for ever. Your father’s challenge has beaten me. Dare I make war on war? I dare. I must. I will. And now, is it all over between us?

  BARB
ARA [touched by his evident dread of her answer] Silly baby Dolly! How could it be?

  CUSINS [overjoyed] Then you — you — you — Oh for my drum! [He flourishes imaginary drumsticks. ]

  BARBARA [angered by his levity] Take care, Dolly, take care. Oh, if only I could get away from you and from father and from it all! if I could have the wings of a dove and fly away to heaven!

  CUSINS And leave m e!

  BARBARA Yes, you, and all the other naughty mischievous children of men. But I cant. I was happy in the Salvation Army for a moment. I escaped from the world into a paradise of enthusiasm and prayer and soul saving; but the moment our money ran short, it all came back to Bodger: it was he who saved our people: he, and the Prince of Darkness, my papa. Undershaft and Bodger: their hands stretch everywhere: when we feed a starving fellow creature, it is with their bread, because there is no other bread; when we tend the sick, it is in the hospitals they endow; if we turn from the churches they build, we must kneel on the stones of the streets they pave. As long as that lasts, there is no getting away from them. Turning our backs on Bodger and Undershaft is turning our backs on life.

  CUSINS I thought you were determined to turn your back on the wicked side of life.

  BARBARA There is no wicked side: life is all one. And I never wanted to shirk my share in whatever evil must be endured, whether it be sin or suffering. I wish I could cure you of middle-class ideas, Dolly.

  CUSINS [gasping] Middle cl — ! A snub! A social snub to m e! from the daughter of a foundling.

  BARBARA That is why I have no class, Dolly: I come straight out of the heart of the whole people. If I were middle-class I should turn my back on my father’s business; and we should both live in an artistic drawingroom, with you reading the reviews in one corner, and I in the other at the piano, playing Schumann:[83] both very superior persons, and neither of us a bit of use. Sooner than that, I would sweep out the guncotton shed, or be one of Bodger’s barmaids. Do you know what would have happened if you had refused papa’s offer?

  CUSINS I wonder!

  BARBARA I should have given you up and married the man who accepted it. After all, my dear old mother has more sense than any of you. I felt like her when I saw this place — felt that I must have it — that never, never, never could I let it go; only she thought it was the houses and the kitchen ranges and the linen and china, when it was really all the human souls to be saved: not weak souls in starved bodies, crying with gratitude for a scrap of bread and treacle, but fullfed, quarrelsome, snobbish, uppish creatures, all standing on their little rights and dignities, and thinking that my father ought to be greatly obliged to them for making so much money for him — and so he ought. That is where salvation is really wanted. My father shall never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed with bread. [She is transfigured.] I have got rid of the bribe of bread. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. Let God’s work be done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because it cannot be done except by living men and women. When I die, let him be in my debt, not I in his; and let me forgive him as becomes a woman of my rank.

  CUSINS Then the way of life lies through the factory of death?

  BARBARA Yes, through the raising of hell to heaven and of man to God, through the unveiling of an eternal light in the Valley of The Shadow. [Seizing him with both hands.] Oh, did you think my courage would never come back? did you believe that I was a deserter? that I, who have stood in the streets, and taken my people to my heart, and talked of the holiest and greatest things with them, could ever turn back and chatter foolishly to fashionable people about nothing in a drawingroom? Never, never, never, never: Major Barbara will die with the colors. Oh! and I have my dear little Dolly boy still; and he has found me my place and my work. Glory Hallelujah! [She kisses him.]

  CUSINS My dearest: consider my delicate health. I cannot stand as much happiness as you can.

  BARBARA Yes: it is not easy work being in love with me, is it? But it’s good for you. [She runs to the shed, and calls, childlike] Mamma! Mamma! [BILTON comes out of the shed, followed by UNDERSHAFT.] I want Mamma.

  UNDERSHAFT She is taking off her list slippers, dear. [He passes on to CUSINS.] Well? What does she say?

  CUSINS She has gone right up into the skies.

  LADY BRITOMART [comins from the shed and stopping on the steps, obstructing SARAH, who follows with LOMAX. BARBARA clutches like a baby at her mother’s skirt.] Barbara: when will you learn to be independent and to act and think for yourself? I know as well as possible what that cry of “Mamma, Mamma,” means. Always running to me!

  SARAH [touching LADY BRITOMART’s ribs with her finger tips and imitating a bicycle horn] Pip! pip!

  LADY BRITOMART [highly indignant] How dare you say Pip! pip! to me, Sarah? You are both very naughty children. What do you want, Barbara?

  BARBARA I want a house in the village to live in with Dolly. [Dragging at the skirt.] Come and tell me which one to take.

  UNDERSHAFT [to CUSINS] Six o‘clock tomorrow morning, my young friend.

  THE END

  THE DOCTOR’S DILEMMA

  PREFACE ON DOCTORS

  IT IS NOT the fault of our doctors that the medical service of the community, as at present provided for, is a murderous absurdity. That any sane nation, having observed that you could provide for the supply of bread by giving bakers a pecuniary interest in baking for you, should go on to give a surgeon a pecuniary interest in cutting off your leg, is enough to make one despair of political humanity. But that is precisely what we have done. And the more appalling the mutilation, the more the mutilator is paid. He who corrects the ingrowing toe-nail receives a few shillings: he who cuts your inside out receives hundreds of guineas, except when he does it to a poor person for practice.

  Scandalized voices murmur that these operations are necessary. They may be. It may also be necessary to hang a man or pull down a house. But we take good care not to make the hangman and the housebreaker the judges of that. If we did, no man’s neck would be safe and no man’s house stable. But we do make the doctor the judge, and fine him anything from sixpence to several hundred guineas if he decides in our favor. I cannot knock my shins severely without forcing on some surgeon the difficult question, “Could I not make a better use of a pocketful of guineas than this man is making of his leg? Could he not write as well — or even better — on one leg than on two? And the guineas would make all the difference in the world to me just now. My wife — my pretty ones — the leg may mortify — it is always safer to operate — he will be well in a fortnight — artificial legs are now so well made that they are really better than natural ones — evolution is towards motors and leglessness, &c., &c., &c.”

  Now there is no calculation that an engineer can make as to the behavior of a girder under a strain, or an astronomer as to the recurrence of a comet, more certain than the calculation that under such circumstances we shall be dismembered unnecessarily in all directions by surgeons who believe the operations to be necessary solely because they want to perform them. The process metaphorically called bleeding the rich man is performed not only metaphorically but literally every day by surgeons who are quite as honest as most of us. After all, what harm is there in it? The surgeon need not take off the rich man’s (or woman’s) leg or arm: he can remove the appendix or the uvula,[84] and leave the patient none the worse after a fortnight or so in bed, whilst the nurse, the general practitioner, the apothecary, and the surgeon will be the better.

  DOUBTFUL CHARACTER BORNE BY THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

  Again I hear the voices indignantly muttering old phrases about the high character of a noble profession and the honor and conscience of its members. I must reply that the medical profession has not a high character: it has an infamous character. I do not know a single thoughtful and well-informed person who does not feel that the tragedy of illness at present is that it delivers you helplessly into the hands of a profession which you deeply mistrust, because it not only advocates an
d practises the most revolting cruelties in the pursuit of knowledge, and justifies them on grounds which would equally justify practising the same cruelties on yourself or your children, or burning down London to test a patent fire extinguisher, but, when it has shocked the public, tries to reassure it with lies of breath-bereaving brazenness. That is the character the medical profession has got just now. It may be deserved or it may not: there it is at all events, and the doctors who have not realized this are living in a fool’s paradise. As to the honor and conscience of doctors, they have as much as any other class of men, no more and no less. And what other men dare pretend to be impartial where they have a strong pecuniary interest on one side? Nobody supposes that doctors are less virtuous than judges; but a judge whose salary and reputation depended on whether the verdict was for plaintiff or defendant, prosecutor or prisoner, would be as little trusted as a general in the pay of the enemy. To offer me a doctor as my judge, and then weight his decision with a bribe of a large sum of money and a virtual guarantee that if he makes a mistake it can never be proved against him, is to go wildly beyond the ascertained strain which human nature will bear. It is simply unscientific to allege or believe that doctors do not under existing circumstances perform unnecessary operations and manufacture and prolong lucrative illnesses. The only ones who can claim to be above suspicion are those who are so much sought after that their cured patients are immediately replaced by fresh ones. And there is this curious psychological fact to be remembered: a serious illness or a death advertizes the doctor exactly as a hanging advertizes the barrister who defended the person hanged. Suppose, for example, a royal personage gets something wrong with his throat, or has a pain in his inside. If a doctor effects some trumpery cure with a wet compress or a peppermint lozenge nobody takes the least notice of him. But if he operates on the throat and kills the patient, or extirpates an internal organ and keeps the whole nation palpitating for days whilst the patient hovers in pain and fever between life and death, his fortune is made: every rich man who omits to call him in when the same symptoms appear in his household is held not to have done his utmost duty to the patient. The wonder is that there is a king or queen left alive in Europe.