Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) Read online

  UNDERSHAFT The two things are—

  CUSINS Baptism and—

  UNDERSHAFT No. Money and gunpowder.

  CUSINS [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.

  UNDERSHAFT Just so.

  CUSINS Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth?

  UNDERSHAFT Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life.

  CUSINS Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder?

  UNDERSHAFT Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others.

  CUSINS That is your religion?

  UNDERSHAFT Yes.

  The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. CUSINS twists his face dubiously and contemplates UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT contemplates him.

  CUSINS Barbara wont stand that. You will have to choose between your religion and Barbara.

  UNDERSHAFT So will you, my friend . She will find out that that drum of yours is hollow.

  CUSINS Father Under shaft : you are mistaken: I am a sincere Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and remorse and despair of the old hell-ridden evangelical sects: it marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals the true worship of Dionysos22 to him; sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flourish on the drum].

  UNDERSHAFT You will alarm the shelter.

  CUSINS Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. However, if the drum worries you—[he pockets the drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway].

  UNDERSHAFT Thank you.

  CUSINS You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder?

  UNDERSHAFT No.

  CUSINS [declaiming]

  One and another

  In money and guns may outpass his brother;

  And men in their millions float and flow

  And seethe with a million hopes as leaven;

  And they win their will; or they miss their will;

  And their hopes are dead or are pined for still;

  But whoe’ er can know

  As the long days go

  That to live is happy, has found his heaven.23

  My translation: what do you think of it?

  UNDERSHAFT I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be your own master.

  CUSINS You are damnably discouraging. [He resumes his declamation. ]

  Is it so hard a thing to see

  That the spirit of God—whate‘er it be—

  The Law that abides and changes not, ages long,

  The Eternal and Nature-born; thesethings be strong?

  What else is Wisdom? What of Man’s endeavor,

  Or God’s high grace so lovely and so great?

  To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait?

  To hold a hand uplifted over Fate?

  And shall not Barbara be loved for ever?24

  UNDER SHAFT Euripides mentions Barbara, does he?

  CUSINS It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness.

  UNDERSHAFT May I ask—as Barbara’s father—how much a year she is to be loved for ever on?

  CUSINS As Barbara’s father, that is more your affair than mine. I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all.

  UNDERSHAFT Do you consider it a good match for her?

  CUSINS [with polite obstinacy] Mr. Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I dont like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I dont know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as settled.—Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable?

  UNDERSHAFT You mean that you will stick at nothing: not even the conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos.

  CUSINS The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another : what does it matter?

  UNDERSHAFT [rising and approaching him] Professor Cusins: you are a young man after my own heart.

  CUSINS Mr. Under shaft : you are, as far as I am able to gather, a most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my sense of ironic humor.

  UNDERSHAFT mutely offers his hand. They shake.

  UNDERSHAFT [suddenly concentrating himself] And now to business.

  CUSINS Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business?

  UNDERSHAFT Religion is our business at present, because it is through religion alone that we can win Barbara.

  CUSINS Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara?

  UNDERSHAFT Yes, with a father’s love.

  CUSINS A father’s love for a grown-up daughter is the most dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it.

  UNDERSHAFT Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are neither of us Methodists.bf

  CUSINS That doesnt matter. The power Barbara wields here—the power that wields Barbara herself—is not Calvinism, not Presbyterianism, not Methodism—

  UNDERSHAFT Not Greek Paganism either, eh?

  CUSINS I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion.

  UNDERSHAFT [triumphantly] Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her inspiration comes from within herself.

  CUSINS How do you suppose it got there?

  UNDERSHAFT [in towering excitement] It is the Undershaft inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel—

  CUSINS What! Money and gunpowder!

  UNDERSHAFT Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command of life and command of death.

  CUSINS [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] This is extremely interesting, Mr. Under shaft. Of course you know that you are mad.

  UNDERSHAFT [with redoubled force] And you?

  CUSINS Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make cannons?

  UNDERSHAFT Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now [with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides?

  CUSINS No.

  UNDERSHAFT [seizing him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm?

  CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus—Mammoth Millionaire—

  UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter to-day?

  CUSINS You mean Barbara is as mad as we are!

  UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob.]

  CUSINS Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love?

  UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Franc
is? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon?bg Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl’s granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army.

  CUSINS Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me, you dont know Barbara.

  UNDERSHAFT My friend: I never ask for what I can buy.

  CUSINS [in a whitefury] Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara?

  UNDERSHAFT No; but I can buy the Salvation Army.

  CUSINS Quite impossible.

  UNDERSHAFT You shall see. All religious organizations exist by selling themselves to the rich.

  CUSINS Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor.

  UNDERSHAFT All the more reason for buying it.

  CUSINS I dont think you quite know what the Army does for the poor.

  UNDERSHAFT Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me—as a man of business—

  CUSINS Nonsense. It makes them sober—

  UNDERSHAFT I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger.

  CUSINS—honest—

  UNDERSHAFT Honest workmen are the most economical.

  CUSINS—attached to their homes—

  UNDERSHAFT So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than change their shop.

  CUSINS—happy—

  UNDERSHAFT An invaluable safeguard against revolution.

  CUSINS—unselfish—

  UNDERSHAFT Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me exactly.

  CUSINS—with their thoughts on heavenly things—

  UNDERSHAFT [rising] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. Excellent.

  CUSINS [rented] You really are an infernal old rascal.

  UNDERSHAFT [indicating PETER SHIRLEY, who has just come from the shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And this is an honest man!

  SHIRLEY Yes; and what av I got by it? [He passes on bitterly and sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse.]

  SNOBBY PRICE, beaming sanctimoniously, and JENNY HILL, with a tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the drum, on which JENNY begins to count the money.

  UNDERSHAFT [replying to SHIRLEY] Oh, your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with one foot on the side form. CUSINS, overwhelmed, sits down on the same form nearer the shelter. BARBARA comes from the shelter to the middle of the yard. She is excited and a little overwrought.]

  BARBARA Weve just had a splendid experience meeting at the other gate in Cripps’s lane. Ive hardly ever seen them so much moved as they were by your confession, Mr. Price.

  PRICE I could almost be glad of my past wickedness if I could believe that it would elp to keep hathers stright.

  BARBARA So it will, Snobby. How much, Jenny?

  JENNY Four and tenpence, Major.

  BARBARA Oh Snobby, if you had given your poor mother just one more kick, we should have got the whole five shillings!

  PRICE If she heard you say that, miss, she’d be sorry I didnt. But I’m glad. Oh what a joy it will be to her when she hears I’m saved!

  UNDERSHAFT Shall I contribute the odd twopence, Barbara? The millionaire’s mite, eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his pocket. ]

  BARBARA How did you make that twopence?

  UNDERSHAFT As usual. By selling cannons, torpedoes, submarines, and my new patent Grand Duke hand grenade.

  BARBARA Put it back in your pocket. You cant buy your Salvation here for twopence: you must work it out.

  UNDERSHAFT Is twopence not enough? I can afford a little more, if you press me.

  BARBARA Two million millions would not be enough. There is bad blood on your hands; and nothing but good blood can cleanse them. Money is no use. Take it away. [She turns to CUSINS.] Dolly: you must write another letter for me to the papers. [He makes a wry face.] Yes: I know you. dont like it; but it must be done. The starvation this winter is beating us: everybody is unemployed. The General says we must close this shelter if we cant get more money. I force the collections at the meetings until I am ashamed: dont I, Snobby?

  PRICE It’s a fair treat to see you work it, Miss. The way you got them up from three-and-six to four-and-ten with that hymn, penny by penny and verse by verse, was a caution. Not a Cheap Jackbh on Mile End Waste could touch you at it.

  BARBARA Yes; but I wish we could do without it. I am getting at last to think more of the collection than of the people’s souls. And what are those hatfuls of pence and halfpence? We want thousands! tens of thousands! hundreds of thousands! I want to convert people, not to be always begging for the Army in a way I’d die sooner than beg for myself.

  UNDERSHAFT [in profound irony] Genuine unselfishness is capable of anything, my dear.

  BARBARA [unsuspectingly, as she turns away to take the money from the drum and put it in a cash bag she carries] Yes, isnt it? [UNDERSHAFT looks sardonically at CUSINS. ]

  CUSINS [aside to UNDERSHAFT] Mephistopheles! Machiavelli!

  BARBARA [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and pockets it] How are we to feed them? I cant talk religion to a man with bodily hunger in his eyes. [Almost breaking down.] It’s frightful.

  JENNY [running to her] Major, dear—

  BARBARA [rebounding] No, dont comfort me. It will be all right. We shall get the money.

  UNDERSHAFT How?

  JENNY By praying for it, of course. Mrs. Baines says she prayed for it last night; and she has never prayed for it in vain: never once. [She goes to the gate and looks out into the street.]

  BARBARA [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] By the way, dad, Mrs. Baines has come to march with us to our big meeting this afternoon; and she is very anxious to meet you, for some reason or other. Perhaps she’ll convert you.

  UNDERSHAFT I shall be delighted, my dear.

  JENNY [at the gate: excitedly] Major! Major! heres that man back again.

  BARBARA What man?

  JENNY The man that hit me. Oh, I hope hes coming back to join us.

  BILL WALKER, with frost on his jacket, comes through the gate, his hands deep in his pockets and his chin sunk between his shoulders, like a cleaned-out gambler. He halts between BARBARA and the drum.

  BARBARA Hullo, Bill! Back already!

  BILL [nagging at her] Bin talkin ever sence, av you?

  BARBARA Pretty nearly. Well, has Todger paid you out for poor Jenny’s jaw?

  BILL No he aint.

  BARBARA I thought your jacket looked a bit snowy.

  BILL So it is snowy. You want to know where the snow come from, dont you?

  BARBARA Yes.

  BILL Well, it come from off the ground in Parkinses Corner in Kennintahn. It got rubbed off be my shoulders: see?

  BARBARA Pity you didnt rub some off with your knees, Bill! That would have done you a lot of good.

  BILL [with sour mirthless humor] I was saving another man’s knees at the time. E was kneelin on my ed, so e was.

  JENNY Who was kneeling on your head?

  BILL Todger was. E was prayin for me: prayin comfortable with me as a carpet. So was Mog. So was the ole bloomin meetin. Mog she sez “O Lord break is stubborn spirit; but dont urt is dear art.”That was wot she said. “Dont urt is dear art”! An er bloke—thirteen stun four!—kneelin wiv all is weight on me. Funny, aint it?

  JENNY Oh no. We’re so sorry, Mr. Walker.

  BARBARA [enjoying it franhly] Nonsense! of course it’s
funny. Served you right, Bill! You must have done something to him first.

  BILL [doggedly] I did wot I said I’d do. I spit in is eye. E looks up at the sky and sez, “O that I should be fahnd worthy to be spit upon for the gospel’s sake!” e sez; an Mog sez “Glory Allel loolier!”; and then e called me Brother, an dahned me as if I was a kid and e was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. I andt just no show wiv im at all.bi Arf the street prayed; an the tother arf larfed fit to split theirselves. [To BARBARA.] There! are you settisfawd nah?

  BARBARA [her eyes dancing] Wish I’d been there, Bill.

  BILL Yes: youd a got in a hextra bit o talk on me, wouldnt you?

  JENNY I’m so sorry, Mr. Walker.

  BILL [fiercely] Dont you go bein sorry for me: you’ve no call. Listen ere. I broke your jawr.

  JENNY No, it didnt hurt me: indeed it didnt, except for a moment. It was only that I was frightened.

  BILL I dont want to be forgive be you, or be ennybody. Wot I did I’ll pay for. I tried to get me own jawr broke to settisfaw you—

  JENNY [distressed] Oh no—

  BILL [impatiently] Tell y‘I did: cawnt you listen to wots bein told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public street for me pains. Well, if I cawnt settisfaw you one way, I can another. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved agen the frost; an I’ve a pahnd of it left. A mate o mine last week ad words with the judy e’s goin to marry. E give er wot-for; an e’s bin fined fifteen bob. E ad a right to it er because they was goin to be mar-rid ; but I adnt no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob on an call it a pahnd’s worth. [He produces a sovereign.] Eres the money. Take it; and lets av no more o your forgivin an prayin and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid for; and let there be a end of it.

  JENNY Oh, I couldnt take it, Mr. Walker. But if you would give a shilling or two to poor Rummy Mitchens! you really did hurt her; and shes old.

  BILL [contemptuously] Not likely. I’d give her anather as soon as look at er. Let her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She aint forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd—wot she [indicating BARBARA] might call on me conscience—no more than stickin a pig. It’s this Christian game o yours that I wont av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an naggin an jawrin that makes a man that sore that iz lawf’s a burdn to im. I wont av it, I tell you; so take your money and stop throwin your silly bashed face hup agen me.