Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) Page 11

  LADY BRITOMART Dont mock, Andrew.

  UNDERSHAFT [shocked—to BARBARA] You dont think I am mocking, my love, I hope.

  BARBARA No, of course not; and it wouldnt matter if you were: half the Army came to their first meeting for a lark. [Rising.] Come along. Come, Dolly. Come, Cholly. [She goes out with UNDERSHAFT, who opens the door for her. CUSINS rises.]

  LADY BRITOMART I will not be disobeyed by everybody. Adolphus: sit down. Charles: you may go. You are not fit for prayers: you cannot keep your countenance.

  LOMAX Oh I say! [He goes out.]

  LADY BRITOMART [continuing] But you, Adolphus, can behave yourself if you choose to. I insist on your staying.

  CUSINS My dear Lady Brit: there are things in the family prayer book that I couldnt bear to hear you say.

  LADY BRITOMART What things, pray?

  CUSINS Well, you would have to say before all the servants that we have done things we ought not to have done, and left undone things we ought to have done, and that there is no health in us. I cannot bear to hear you doing yourself such an injustice, and Barbara such an injustice. As for myself, I flatly deny it: I have done my best. I shouldnt dare to marry Barbara—I couldnt look you in the face—if it were true. So I must go to the drawingroom.

  LADY BRITOMART [offended] Well, go. [He starts for the door.] And remember this, Adolphus [he turns to listen]: I have a very strong suspicion that you went to the Salvation Army to worship Barbara and nothing else. And I quite appreciate the very clever way in which you systematically humbug me. I have found you out. Take care Barbara doesnt. Thats all.

  CUSINS [with unruffled sweetness] Dont tell on me. [He goes out.]

  LADY BRITOMART Sarah: if you want to go, go. Anything’s better than to sit there as if you wished you were a thousand miles away.

  SARAH [languidty] Very well, mamma. [She goes.] LADY BRITOMART, with a sudden flounce, gives way to a little gust of tears.

  STEPHEN [going to her] Mother: whats the matter?

  LADY BRITOMART [swishing away her tears with her handkerchief] Nothing. Foolishness. You can go with him, too, if you like, and leave me with the servants.

  STEPHEN Oh, you mustnt think that, mother. I—I dont like him.

  LADY BRITOMART The others do. That is the injustice of a woman’s lot. A woman has to bring up her children; and that means to restrain them, to deny them things they want, to set them tasks, to punish them when they do wrong, to do all the unpleasant things. And then the father, who has nothing to do but pet them and spoil them, comes in when all her work is done and steals their affection from her.

  STEPHEN He has not stolen our affection from you. It is only curiosity.

  LADY BRITOMART (violently] I wont be consoled, Stephen. There is nothing the matter with me. [She rises and goes towards the door.]

  STEPHEN Where are you going, mother?

  LADY BRITOMART To the drawingroom, of course. [She goes out. Onward, Christian Soldiers, on the concertina, with tambourine accompaniment, is heard when the door opens.] Are you coming, Stephen?

  STEPHEN No. Certainly not. [She goes. He sits down on the settee, with compressed lips and an expression Of strong dislike.]

  END OF ACT I.

  ACT II

  The yard of the West Ham shelter of the Salvation Army is a cold place on a January morning. The building itself, an old warehouse, is newly whitewashed. Its gabled end projects into the yard in the middle, with a door on the ground floor, and another in the loft above it without any balcony or ladder, but with a pulley rigged over it for hoisting sacks. Those who come from this central gable end into the yard have the gateway leading to the street on their left, with a stone horse-trough just beyond it, and, on the right, a penthouse shielding a table from the weather. There are forms aq at the table; and on them are seated a man and a woman, both much down on their luck, finishing a meal of bread (one thick slice each, with margarine and golden syrup) and diluted milk.

  The man, a workman out of employment, is young, agile, a talker, a poser, sharp enough to be capable of anything in reason except honesty or altruistic considerations of any kind. The woman is a commonplace old bundle of poverty and hard-worn humanity. She looks sixty and probably is forty-five. If they were rich people, gloved and muffed and well wrapped up in furs and overcoats, they would be numbed and miserable; for it is a grindingly cold, raw, January day; and a glance at the background of grimy warehouses and leaden sky visible over the whitewashed walls of the yard would drive any idle rich person, straight to the Mediterranean. But these two, being no more troubled with visions of the Mediterranean than of the moon, and being compelled to keep more of their clothes in the pawnshop, and less on their persons, in winter than in summer, are not depressed by the cold: rather are they stung into vivacity, to which their meal has just now given an almost jolly turn. The man takes a pull at his mug, and then gets up and moves about the yard with his hands deep in his pockets, occasionally breaking into a stepdance.

  THE WOMAN Feel better arter your meal, sir?

  THE MAN No. Call that a meal! Good enough for you, praps; but wot is it to me, an intelligent workin man.

  THE WOMAN Workin man! Wot are you?

  THE MAN Painter.

  THE WOMAN [sceptically] Yus, I dessay.

  THE MAN Yus, you dessay! I know. Every loafer that cant do nothink calls isself a painter. Well, I’m a real painter: grainer, finisher, thirty-eight bob a week when I can get it.

  THE WOMAN Then why dont you go and get it?

  THE MAN I’ll tell you why. Fust: I’m intelligent—fffff! it’s rotten cold here [he dances a step or two]—yes: intelligent beyond the station o life into which it has pleased the capitalists to call me; and they dont like a man that sees through em. Second, an intelligent bein needs a doo share of appiness; so I drink somethink cruel when I get the chawnce. Third, I stand by my class and do as little as I can so’s to leave arf the job for me fellow workers. Fourth, I’m fly enough to know wots inside the law and wots outside it; and inside it I do as the capitalists do: pinch wot I can lay me ands on. In a proper state of society I am sober, industrious and honest: in Rome, so to speak, I do as the Romans do. Wots the consequence? When trade is bad—and it’s rotten bad just now—and the employers az to sack arf their men, they generally start on me.

  THE WOMAN Whats your name?

  THE MAN Price. Bronterre O‘Brienar Price. Usually called Snobby Price, for short.

  THE WOMAN Snobby’s a carpenter, aint it?You said you was a painter.

  PRICE Not that kind of snob, but the genteel sort. I’m too uppish, owing to my intelligence, and my father being a Chartist and a reading, thinking man: a stationer, too. I’m none of your common hewers of wood and drawers of water;as and dont you forget it. [He returns to his seat at the table, and takes up his mug.] Wots your name?

  THE WOMAN Rummy Mitchens, sir.

  PRICE [quaffing the remains of his milk to her] Your elth, Miss Mitchens.

  RUMMY [correcting him] Missis Mitchens.

  PRICE Wot! Oh Rummy, Rummy! Respectable married woman, Rummy, gittin rescued by the Salvation Army by pre tendin to be a bad un. Same old game!

  RUMMY What am I to do? I cant starve. Them Salvation lasses is dear good girls; but the better you are, the worse they likes to think you were before they rescued you. Why shouldnt they av a bit o credit, poor loves? theyre worn to rags by their work. And where would they get the money to rescue us if we was to let on we’re no worse than other people? You know what ladies and gentlemen are.

  PRICE Thievin swine! Wish I ad their job, Rummy, all the same. Wot does Rummy stand for? Pet name praps?

  RUMMY Short for Romola.19

  PRICE For wot!?

  RUMMY Romola. It was out of a new book. Somebody me mother wanted me to grow up like.

  PRICE We’re companions in misfortune, Rummy. Both on us got names that nobody cawnt pronounce. Consequently I’m Snobby and youre Rummy because Bill and Sally wasnt good enough for our parents. Such is lif
e!

  RUMMY Who saved you, Mr. Price? Was it Major Barbara?

  PRICE No: I come here on my own. I’m goin to be Bronterre O‘Brien Price, the converted painter. I know wot they like. I’ll tell em how I blasphemed and gambled and wopped my poor old mother

  RUMMY [shocked] Used you to beat your mother?

  PRICE Not likely. She used to beat me. No matter: you come and listen to the converted painter, and youll hear how she was a pious woman that taught me me prayers at er knee, an how I used to come home drunk and drag her out o bed be er snow white airs, an lam into er with the poker.

  RUMMY Thats whats so unfair to us women. Your confessions is just as big lies as ours: you dont tell what you really done no more than us; but you men can tell your lies right out at the meetins and be made much of for it; while the sort o confessions we az to make az to be whispered to one lady at a time. It aint right, spite of all their piety.

  PRICE Right! Do you spose the Army ’d be allowed if it went and did right? Not much. It combs our air and makes us good little blokes to be robbed and put upon. But I’ll play the game as good as any of em. I’ll see somebody struck by lightnin, or hear a voice sayin “Snobby Price: where will you spend eternity?” I’ll ave a time of it, I tell you.

  RUMMY You wont be let drink, though.

  PRICE I’ll take it out in gorspellin, then. I dont want to drink if I can get fun enough any other way.

  JENNY HILL, a pale, overwrought, pretty Salvation lass of 18, comes in through the yard gate, leading PETER SHIRLEY, a half hardened, half worn-out elderly man, weak with hunger.

  JENNY (supporting him] Come! pluck up. I’ll get you something to eat. Youll be all right then.

  PRICE [rising and hurrying officiously to take the old man offjenny’s hands] Poor old man! Cheer up, brother: youll find rest and peace and appiness ere. Hurry up with the food, miss: e’s fair done. [JENNY hurries into the shelter.] Ere, buck up, daddy! shes fetchin y’ a thick slice o breadn treacle, an a mug o sky-blue.at [He seats him at the corner of the table.]

  RUMMY (gailyJ Keep up your old art!au Never say die!

  SHIRLEY I’m not an old man. I’m ony 46. I’m as good as ever I was. The grey patch come in my hair before I was thirty. All it wants is three pennorth o hair dye: am I to be turned on the streets to starve for it? Holy God! I’ve worked ten to twelve hours a day since I was thirteen, and paid my way all through; and now am I to be thrown into the gutter and my job given to a young man that can do it no better than me because Ive black hair that goes white at the first change?

  PRICE [cheerfully] No good jawrin about it. Youre ony a jumped-up, jerked-off, orspittle-turned-out incurableav of an ole workin man: who cares about you? Eh? Make the thievin swine give you a meal: theyve stole many a one from you. Get a bit o your own back. [JENNY returns with the usual meal.] There you are, brother. Awsk a blessin an tuck that into you.

  SHIRLEY [looking at it ravenously but not touching it, and crying like a child] I never took anything before.

  JENNY [petting him] Come, come! the Lord sends it to you: he wasnt above taking bread from his friends; and why should you be? Besides, when we find you a job you can pay us for it if you like.

  SHIRLEY [eagerly] Yes, yes: thats true. I can pay you back: its only a loan. [Shivering.] Oh Lord! oh Lord! [He turns to the table and attacks the meal ravenously.]

  JENNY Well, Rummy, are you more comfortable now?

  RUMMY God bless you, lovey! youve fed my body and saved my soul, havent you? [JENNY, touched, kisses her.] Sit down and rest a bit: you must be ready to drop.

  JENNY Ive been going hard since morning. But theres more work than we can do. I mustnt stop.

  RUMMY Try a prayer for just two minutes. Youll work all the better after.

  JENNY [her eyes lighting up] Oh isnt it wonderful how a few minutes prayer revives you! I was quite lightheaded at twelve o‘clock, I was so tired; but Major Barbara just sent me to pray for five minutes; and I was able to go on as if I had only just begun. [To PRICE.] Did you have a piece of bread?

  PRICE [with unction] Yes, miss; but Ive got the piece that I value more; and thats the peace that passeth hall hannerstennin. aw

  RUMMY [fervently] Glory Hallelujah!

  BILL WALKER, a rough customer of about 25 , appears at the yard gate and looks malevolently at JENNY.

  JENNY That makes me so happy. When you say that, I feel wicked for loitering here. I must get to work again.

  She is hurrying to the shelter, when the new-comer moves quickly up to the door and intercepts her. His manner is so threatening that she retreats as he comes at her truculently, driving her down the yard.

  BILL I know you. Youre the one that took away my girl. Youre the one that set er agen me. Well, I’m goin to av er out. Not that I care a curse for her or you: see? But I’ll let er know; and I’ll let you know. I’m goin to give er a doin thatll teach er to cut away from me. Now in with you and tell er to come out afore I come in and kick er out. Tell er Bill Walker wants er. She’ll know what that means; and if she keeps me waitin itll be worse. You stop to jaw back at me; and I’ll start on you: d‘ye hear? Theres your way. In you go. [He takes her by the arm and slings her towards the door of the shelter. She falls on her hand and knee. RUMMY helps her up again.]

  PRICE [rising, and venturing irresolutely towards BILL] Easy there, mate. She aint doin you no arm.

  BILL Who are you callin mate? [Standing over him threateningly.] Youre goin to stand up for her, are you? Put up your ands.

  RUMMY [running indignantly to him to scold him] Oh, you great brute—[He instantly swings his left hand back against her face. She screams and reels back to the trough, where she sits down, covering her bruised face with her hands and rocking herself and moaning with pain. ]

  JENNY [going to her] Oh God forgive you! How could you strike an old woman like that?

  BILL [seizing her by the hair so violently that she also screams, and tearing her away from the old woman] You Gawd forgive me again and I’ll Gawd forgive you one on the jaw thatll stop you prayin for a week. [Holding her and turning fiercely on PRICE.] Av you anything to say agen it? Eh?

  PRICE [intimidated] No, matey: she aint anything to do with me.

  BILL Good job for you! I’d put two meals into you and fight you with one finger after, you starved cur. [To JENNY.] Now are you goin to fetch out Mog Habbijam;ax or am I to knock your face off you and fetch her myself?

  JENNY [writhing in his grasp] Oh please someone go in and tell Major Barbara—[She screams again as he wrenches her head down; and PRICE and RUMMY flee into the shelter.]

  BILL You want to go in and tell your Major of me, do you?

  JENNY Oh please dont drag my hair. Let me go.

  BILL Do you or dont you? [She stifles a scream.] Yes or no.

  JENNY God give me strength—

  BILL [striking her with his fist in the face]20 Go and shew her that, and tell her if she wants one like it to come and interfere with me. [JENNY, crying with pain, goes into the shed. He goes to the form and addresses the old man.] Here: finish your mess; and get out o my way.

  SHIRLEY [springing up and facing him fiercely, with the mug in his hand] You take a liberty with me, and I’ll smash you over the face with the mug and cut your eye out. Aint you satisfied —young whelps like you—with takin the bread out o the mouths of your elders that have brought you up and slaved for you, but you must come shovin and cheekin and bullyin in here, where the bread o charity is sickenin in our stum micks ?

  BILL [contemptuously, but backing a little] Wot good are you, you old palsy mug? Wot good are you?

  SHIRLEY As good as you and better. I’ll do a day’s work agen you or any fat young soaker of your age. Go and take my job at Horrockses, where I worked for ten year. They want young men there: they cant afford to keep men over forty-five. Theyre very sorry—give you a character and happy to help you to get anything suited to your years—sure a steady man wont be long out of a job. Well, let em try you. Theyll find the di
ffer. What do you know? Not as much as how to beeyave yourself—layin your dirty fist across the mouth of a respectable woman!

  BILL Dont provoke me to lay it acrost yours: d‘ye hear?

  SHIRLEY [with blighting contempt] Yes: you like an old man to hit, dont you, when youve finished with the women. I aint seen you hit a young one yet.

  BILL [stung] You lie, you old soupkitchener, you. There was a young man here. Did I offer to hit him or did I not?

  SHIRLEY Was he starvin or was he not? Was he a man or only a crosseyed thief an a loafer? Would you hit my son-in-law’s brother?

  BILL Who’s he?

  SHIRLEY Todger Fairmile o Balls Pond. Him that won £20 off the Japanese wrastler at the music hall by standin out 17 minutes 4 seconds agen him.

  BILL [sullenly] I’m no music hall wrastler. Can he box?

  SHIRLEY Yes: an you cant.

  BILL Wot! I cant, cant I? Wots that you say [threatening him]?

  SHIRLEY [not budging an inch] Will you box Todger Fairmile if I put him on to you? Say the word.

  BILL [subsiding with a slouch] I’ll stand up to any man alive, if he was ten Todger Fairmiles. But I dont set up to be a perfes sional.

  SHIRLEY [looking down on him with unfathomable disdain] You box! Slap an old woman with the back o your hand! You hadnt even the sense to hit her where a magistrate couldnt see the mark of it, you silly young lump of conceit and ignorance. Hit a girl in the jaw and ony make her cry! If Todger Fairmile’d done it, she wouldnt a got up inside o ten minutes, no more than you would if he got on to you.Yah! I’d set about you myself if I had a week’s feedin in me instead o two months starvation. [He returns to the table to finish his meal.]

  BILL [following him and stooping over him to drive the taunt in] You lie! you have the bread and treacle in you that you come here to beg.

  SHIRLEY [bursting into tears] Oh God! it’s true: I’m only an old pauper on the scrap heap. [Furiousty.] But youll come to it yourself; and then youll know. Youll come to it sooner than a teetotaller like me, fillin yourself with gin at this hour o the mornin!